Realistic Expectations

The advice of my mother has ever been pearls of wisdom and kernels of Truth in my life.  As I have grown older I have been blessed to recognize this though I could not appreciate it in my childhood and youth.  There is one thing my mother has told me many times over the years that I have found myself weighing and not entirely agreeing with: "love without expectation." 

In recent years I have wrested with the question of where to draw the line between unconditional love and allowing someone to walk all over me.  In any relationship under the sun there will be a level of expectation.  General morality is expected of the human race (even though we live in a world that insists there is no absolute truth).  Common courtesy is expected from a stranger on the street.  Responsible driving is expected of cab drivers.  Good customer service is expected of retail employees.  Love is expected of husbands, honor of wives.

Is it wrong to have expectations?  More aptly, is it wrong to have expectations in relationships?  Even further, is it wrong to have expectations in romantic relationships?

My heart answers no.  Moreover, I believe I my thoughts are affirmed by Scripture. 

Obviously we are not to enable sin.  Scripture is full of admonishments for righteous living.  Granted that is an expectation that God has of human beings.  Still, children are called to obey their parents.  Wives are called to have a gentle and quiet spirit.  Husbands are admonished to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  If God has those expectations are we not supposed to as well?  I believe we should love with some level of expectation.  However, I do not believe our love should be contingent upon whether or not expectations are met. 

The danger is unrealistic expectation.  I have been in and watched relationships that become very strained and even break because of expectations that are not rational.  I claim no expertise in any subject.  However, as an natural head in the clouds kind of girl who forces herself to keep her feet firmly affixed to the earth (most of the time) whom God has seen fit to put through rather interesting circumstances, I do believe I have a healthier view of the neccessary marriage of romance and practicality than most of my peers.  So, I have some advice to offer.  Stop reading now if you do not want it. 

I will start with the ladies as we started it by emasculating men.  Allow me to first assure my readers that I am not some weak woman who lets men walk all over me.  I have a career.  I am strong.  I have opinions and my voice is heard!  There is a place for that, even believing, as I do, that men are to be the head in a relationship.

First, at the risk of sounding extremely hard on my own sex, to the ladies STOP BEING DEMANDING, SPOILED LITTLE PRINCESSES SO FOCUSED ON WHAT YOU WANT YOU CANNOT SEE WHAT HE NEEDS.  I read romance novels.  I like them.  They are my guilty pleasure.  They make me happy.  They should come with a warning lable: "do not read if you cannot leave the fiction between the pages."  News flash girls: prince charming doesn't exist in the real world.  Your man is not going to be perfect.  He is not going to be this profound spiritual leader as a twenty-something.  He likes video games, chillin with the guys and FREEDOM.  That does not mean he does not like you.  Do not expect him to be your dad.  If you have an incredibly romantic father, one who communicates well with your mother, a bastion of spiritual strength and integrity, ask your mom if he was like that when they were dating.  I will bet she will say no.  My father (affectionately known as Superman by me) was not.  He is now.  Realistic expectations, girls.  He is in his twenties.  Do not seek to kill the boy in him

Think of him as a dog.  (Bear with me guys.)  How do you truly domesticate a dog?  Um, yeah.  Do you really want to do that to your man?  No!!!  Let him be wild!  Tame is boring.  Domesticated means that you are the master.  That is so not the plan that the Father laid out.  If you respect an animal, feed it, give it affection, it will learn to trust you.  Granted a wild animal will always be free to come and go as it pleases without so much as a by your leave, so it's not a perfect metaphor, because (guys) in marriage coming and going without so much as a by your leave is not fine, but do you get the point?  Just as it must be a wild thing's choice to come to a human, so it must be the man's choice to come to a woman.  Let them be free.  Even in marriage freedom to maintain that masculinity needs to be there, though not abused. 

That freedom offered will not be abused if both people meet one another with one hundred percent.  Girls, if the things that men crave, respect, admiration, and love are given, he will always return to you.  And he will be faithful to you.  (Unless he is a complete sociopath or ... a dog.  :)  Trust your daddies to keep you away from those.)

Are we clear?  Knights in shinning armor spend no time on the battlefield.  You want a man who is willing to get his armor muddy.  A man that will bleed.  The type of man most girls tell me they want sound horrifying to me.  The nineteenth century had a term for them: fops.  *shudder*  They are the men you see pcitures of in high heels wearing powdered wigs and sniffing tobacco out of snuff boxes.  Put that guy next to a warrior dripping blood off his claymore.  Which one do you want?  If you want the former go pick a spineless idiot that wants to get married solely so he can have sex and does not care about companionship, building a life together.  No no, you want a man that will fight for what he wants, and that is, well, the one wearing the pants (... or kilt with blue warpaint ... if you're me).  Oh, and just so we are clear, that warrior we really want?  He fought so well and so vailiantly because he had something worth fighting for.  Let us be blunt: he cares about sex too, but he is not a selfish epicurian.  He cares about the nonphysical pleasures as well.

Secondly, if you are the type of girl that reads nothing but Christian romance novels please do us all a favor and take a look at reality.  The kind, gentle man that has a wound only you (with the help of a well placed sermon) can heal is a myth jsut as much as the guys in romantic comedies.  He does not know how to read you and know exactly what you need.  Obvious hints do not work with them.  Sometimes you have to spell it out.  There is nothing wrong with saying, "babe, I need to hear something sweet.  I am feeling a little vulnerable."  They are not mind readers. 

Men think they are so uncomplicated.  They are not.  They are so complex YOU CANNOT AND WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIX THEM.  You can be their life's best companion.  You can help them.  You can be the balm that soothes them.  You can be the tool the Spirit uses to comfort and sustain them.  You cannot fix them.  And do not be offended if they need to talk things over with their guys.  That is a good thing.  Accountability and deep masculine friendships are important.  (David and Jonathan ring any bells?  John and Jesus?  Yeah...)  Men are sometimes more deeply emotional than women.  That is so precious, and they will share that part with you, but it will take time.  There will be no trigger that flips and all of a sudden he will bare his soul to you.  That trust is earned.  Be patient.  It will be worth it. 

Be willing to wait.  All throughout the Bible we see woman waiting for their men.  The church waits for her bridegroom, and we are to follow suit.  I know girls, we long for marriage, love, knowing that he will be there until death.  It is especially hard for the godly girls who want to take their rightful place under the protection of their husband.  I know it is hard.  I was raised thinking I would go from my father's household to my husbands, but life (especially in this wonderfully postmodern century we live in) happens.  I had to move away, get a job, be independant.  A part of me really enjoys it and likes it, but it does not content my soul.  I know it is hard to wait.  But that is what we are called to do.  Doesn't fourty years with God's best sound better than fifty-five with a man you are only OK with?  Do you really want your husband to resent you for pushing you into a responsibility that he is not ready for?  Think about all the pressure on godly men!  They are to be our shield, our protector, the head of a next godly household, the provider.  It is harder than it used to be.  There are so many more variables.  Be patient.  Wait.  Content yourself in He who created us to be not spoiled, demanding princesses, but gracious, unselfish daughters of the High King of Heaven. 

Lastly, do not let yourself go.  Daddy drilled many things into his daughters.  One thing that has always stuck with me is "be an after, stay an after."  He is referencing before and after shots.  Girls lose a ton of weight before their wedding, dress up for dates, look their best whenever they are with their man.  For some reason that stops after you have a shiny ring on your hand?  No!  Do you always have to look perfect?  That would be an unrealistic expectation.  But you can care.  Do not let yourself go.  At one point my mom had four kids under the age of six: twins (one handicapped), a one year old and an infant.  Unless she was doing housework she looked nice, wore make-up and jewelry, and yes, she shaved her legs every night.  Go Mom!  Dad adores her to this day.  It's not superficial, ladies.  Guys are wired that way.  Take it up with God if it irritates you. 

Men ...  Oh how you have been wronged, my brothers.  I look around and see the damaget that has been wrought on your sex.  You are robbed of your identity, my brothers.  I know this.  I listen to the men I regard as brothers of my heart pour out stories of hurt and confusion.  Most of the time it is as a result of women attempting to lead, having unreasonable expectations, having no emotional self-control.  I offer you this advice: take back your identity, brothers. 

You are called to be warriors.  Do it.  Honor has never been automatically ascribed, but I believe it is harder to earn now than it has ever been.  I believe that one of the enemy's strategies over the last couple hundred years is to destroy Christ's representation of Him on earth.  You are the head as Christ is the head of the church.  Decapitate the body and there is no life.  Women delight in following godly men.  Be that man and you will find your lady. 

How?  Yes, I have some practical points of advice for you as well.  They will not be as extensive, as I am not a man.  I hope that there are godly, womanly-wise men being just as harsh on you as I just was on my own sex.

Attention and affection: WE NEED IT just like you need honor and respect.  I am telling you to take your girl on elaborate dates every weekend, but she needs to know she is cherished, that she is important, that you want to care for her.  We like being told we are beautiful.  Notice us.  Romance us.  Pursue us ... even after you have won us.  Step up to the plate and be the MAN you were created to be.  Take care of us.  Shoulder responsibility.  If you cannot do that, you do not need to be in a relationship. 

If you have not found her yet ... do not stop.  I cannot imagine how frightening it must be to be the godly guy...  I am honored to call brothers the ones I have seen do things right.  Those of you still trying ... keep trying. 

We have often heard the phrase "it's give and take."  I think that is wrong.  It is give and give.  Each have your own needs.  There is no shame in making them known.  How are we supposed to know otherwise?  The catch is making sure that those needs are legitimate and not wants based on what media, culture and our own selfish hearts tell us.  Love with expectation ... realistic expecation. 

Again, I am no expert.  I am single ... but I think I am right.

When to raise the hand...

It has been said that we live in one of the most violent ages of human history.  Is this so?  Is it instead that voilence extends from localized brutality and warfare and enters global consciousness.  What makes now any more violent thousands of years before the birth of Christ when God had to wipe clean of human existence the face of this earth?  When the Roman empire's people lusted for blood so much that games were made of human being ripped upen and made into human torches was this mortal coil any less sullied?  This world has always been filled with filth, violence and hate.  It is now merely being played out on a different stage.  Are Christians called to stand in the wings and watch or to become principle players for light in the sordid drama taking place?

Where is the balance between righteous anger and murderous rage?  Where do godly people draw the line between martyrdom and cowardice?  Are we truly called to stand by and watch this world tear itself to pieces?  I claim no expertice in philosophy or theology or even Scripture.  But this is what I do know. 

Christians are called to love their enemies, to turn the other cheek.  We are called to love and not to hate; this is indeed one of the founding principles of our faith.  These seem to me matters of relationship.  If someone attacks a Christian for being a Christian he will not grab an Uzi to go off and hunt him down.  But are we called not to defend ourselves?  Scripture says that if a woman does not cry out when she is raped it is upon her own head.  All throughout the Bible the Warrior God sends His people to destory wickedness in His name.  Many say that is Old Testament.  Is God not the same yesterday, today and forever?  That savage and just side of God is still a part of His character post Cross.

Was Bonhoeffer wrong to attempt to assassinate Hitler?  We are told to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, but this was no civil controversy.  The man was systematically wiping out entire people groups.  His evil was founded in hatred.  Would guilty blood truly been on his hands had he succeeded, or would he have been rewarded for, in righteous anger (not personal hatred) taking up a sword against evil?  Hitler's evil would have died with him.

Should then Christian begin bombing abortion clinics?  No.  Do I believe them  carefully sterilized slaughterhouses?  Of course.  But murdering abortion doctors will not cease the evil of abortion.  The evil will not die with the deaths of those men and women. 

So what do we do?  Strife in the Middle East will never cease until this world ends.  Does this mean we should accept defeat as a foregone conclusion and hoe-hum our way through our comfortable, relatively safe from invasion lives?  That sounds to me like hyper-Calvinism, those Christians who do not bother to share their faith with others, who even perhaps do not care how their lives appear to others because what will be will be.  They completely ignore the command of Jesus to go share with all nations and to visit the orphans and widows in their affliction.  I as a Calvanist know that God's will is sovereign, and indeed what will be will be, but there is room for free will and obedience within the sovereign will of God.  I cannot claim to understand how it works, but I have a life to act out on this Earth.  I have a responsibility to live each day well and with the reminder that I have a blood debt owed to God.

Which best serves Him?  To stand in the wings watching the attrocities of this world?  To pray and lift nary a finger?  Or take take action agains the sea of troubles this world writhes in?